Dad Talks #17 A.J. Daulerio
In conversation with the writer and former Gawker and Deadspin editor
A.J. Daulerio is a writer, editor, and father who, years ago, was most known for his work editing the massive cultural publications Gawker and Deadspin. These days, he’s still writing and publishes the most excellent Substack, The Small Bow, a newsletter that is about recovery and addiction but also so much more.
“The Small Bow is not just for those in recovery,” said Esquire. “Lots of stories with a huge heart that manages to be hilarious and easy while making you question everything you were certain of about yourself.”
A.J. was kind enough to take some time out of his schedule to answer some Dad Talk questions. Read on and enjoy.
I learned about your role as a father through the excellent interview you did with The Cut. One thing that stuck out to me was when you said that, by the time you started a family, you were "ready for that love." Has that notion ever been challenged as your kids grow or as you added more kids to the family?
Hmm. There are tough days -- our oldest is seven but sometimes it feels like we're living with a moody, impulsive, boundary-challenged teen. He thinks "we're the worst parents on Earth" and "wants to go to a new family" one minute and then is curling up in our lap (as much as he possibly can because he's huge) and telling us he hopes we never die. When he lashes out I feel rejected but I know we're in a pretty good place over all. (The other two are little angels, btw.)
Your sobriety is an important part of who you are. I wonder what you do to replace those moments that would otherwise have been filled with substances? Both on a small scale (a beer after the kids go to sleep) and a larger scale (a weekend bender with the boys, or whatever that may have looked like for you in the past).
I have no clue what that would look like with kids, tbh. I have friends who are parents who still get after it pretty hard but that doesn't interest me at all anymore and I'm so grateful that I ditched that (and smoking) before any of my kids were born. But -- food, man. Sugar? Processed sugar? I'm a maniac. Can demolish two bags of cookies to the point of making myself ill so that's definitely become a negative replacement. The positives I've added to help my dark moods and restlessness: meditation, journaling Brazilian jiu-jitsu. So, basic LA dad shit.
How do you talk about your sobriety with your kids? How has that conversation evolved as they've grown?
It hasn't come up yet. They know I go to meetings and talk on the phone a lot but I haven't given them the whole "So I've got this disease that you might have also..." talk yet.
What was the most challenging thing you've had to overcome as a father?
Our youngest had a couple scary medical things within the first two years of his life and I hated that helplessness. That second heart that grows inside you when you have kids definitely makes it hurt that much more when they're hurt.
What was something that was so much easier than you expected (or not nearly as hard as all the other dads told you it was going to be)?
Oh I loved having three in diapers. I've heard some people talk about it like they'd gone to Baghdad but I couldn't get enough of those babies. Even the lack of sleep wasn't too terrible.
What kind of father was your father? What about his parenting style have you adopted into your own routine as a father? What have you consciously tried to avoid?
I mean, he was funny. But growing up he definitely made my life harder than it needed to be. He was unnecessarily cruel and his anger was pretty explosive and unpredictable and it used to linger a long time. I hated that walking-on-eggshells feeling and being unsafe. I've definitely yelled at my kids more than I wanted to sometimes, but I always make sure to get in there and hug it out and tell them I love them afterwards because I never want them to feel ashamed or that they've disappointed me or feel unwelcome. (All things my dad made me feel at a young age at one time or another.) My father and I struggled throughout our lives but I'd made peace with him before he passed away and now I try to keep that peace with me as I re-parent myself while figuring out the parent I want to be.