I first met
through a feature I wrote for WIRED. Since then, we’ve become digital friends and one thing that’s apparent through the tiny lens of social media is that Doom loves his job of being a dad.But, I must admit; early on, like many others, I thought the children in Doom’s photos were most likely grandkids. Finding out they were his kids, however, made me see the man in an entirely new light.
Fred and his wife Rebecca are the proud parents of three girls and one boy. Fred served 25 years in the U.S. Army Special Forces (Green Berets) and now volunteers with and advocates for U.S. Veterans and Afghan Allies from his home in Idaho. He also writes the excellent Substack Guide to Human, which you should check out now.
I asked Doom to pen a guest essay about the way he approaches fatherhood. I assumed he does as much the same way he signs off most (all?) of his newsletters. That is, “Lead with love.”
Read on.
Dadding: The act of raising children as a Dad, er...keeping them alive in a uniquely male way. This is not fathering.
I've always tended to think of fathering as a verb tied to procreation and not actually the raising of children. I much prefer dadding.
Dadding is what I do.
After twenty-nine-years in uniform, at the age of 47, I decided a completely new challenge was necessary: parenthood. How hard can it be? It's okay to laugh at me.
Being a soldier without children during my military service, life took an unexpected turn after I retired.
At 48, I met a woman with a daughter. By 49, we were married; by 50, we had added a son. The whirlwind continued, and at 51, twin daughters joined our family.
All in…I was all in. I had been to Iraq and Afghanistan, and combat changes people. It was brutal and dehumanizing; it changed me in ways that I still struggle with in my daily life. The horrors of combat aren't just for somebody else; they came for all of us. Denying it just makes it worse.
Being a Dad is Hard. But the very things combat takes away, Dadding gives back; if you let it.
You can love again with a whole new set of fears. In three years after retiring, I went from being a man focused on military service to a dad of four, navigating the demands of reintegrating into civilian life, exploring new careers, and tackling the most challenging job of all – fatherhood. I embraced the role of Dadding, diving headfirst into the responsibilities of raising a teenage girl and infants, managing bottles, feeding schedules, high school dances, reading books at bedtime, lacrosse practice, infant sleep patterns, diapers, potty training, boyfriends, daycare, preschool, college applications, and campus visits, pre-K, bike riding, ball throwing, scholarship applications, and more. There is always so much more.
Whether I am being too easy or too hard on them is always in my mind. Nobody wants the Great Santini for a Dad, but I also don't want my kids living in my basement when they are 30. Balance...control...presence... ok, back to dadding.
Being an "old" Dad has its own challenges. Oldest Daughter – "Dad…those people are staring at us." Me – "So" Her – "They think the kids are mine." Me – "So, let's just get our groceries and go home." Her – "Dad…could you say something helpful?" Me – "Why would they think that, Pook? Do I look old?" Her – "Dad! They think you are helping me raise my children. I heard two ladies talking when I was getting avocados." Me – Looking in the direction of the ladies. "Hey! These are all my kids. Thanks!" Her – Scurrying around the end of the aisle. "DAD!" I had been an Army Green Beret, an Ultramarathoner, a mountain climber, and had run with the bulls. I didn't feel 50, but if I looked in the mirror, yeah...I looked 50.
Honesty demands I admit to looking older than 50. Being mistakenly labeled as a grandfather to my toddlers by strangers is humbling. Realizing I needed more time to get up from the floor to catch up with my energetic kids was almost humiliating. Fortunately, this process isn't about me. Leading well never is. Yet, the joys of fatherhood are immeasurable. Toddler hugs are the best, and when twin girls simultaneously hug you, expressing their love, it feels like a priceless treasure. Adopting my oldest daughter and having a judge look across the courtroom and say, "Fred, it's a girl," was a gift. When she invited me to attend the Rose Bowl with her halfway through her freshman year at Michigan this year, I knew that I hadn't completely screwed up.
Yes, I'll be 70 when my little girls graduate high school, and now I must plan to live forever.
Dad long, dad hard, never quit.
Thank you Michael and Fred. This is such an inspiring read, and I especially appreciate its emphasis on the positive, restorative effects of fatherhood rather than dwelling on the negative. Before my first child was born, it seemed like all folks could do is talk about the difficulties, downsides, and exhaustion that comes with being a parent—and, of course, there’s plenty of that. Then the process repeated when my daughter was born. But what Fred highlights so wonderfully in this piece is how rewarding and transformative being a dad is even when it does challenge us (which is all the time). Put simply, it’s always worth it.
This was inspiring. If Fred can do all this than maybe I can too. I love the bit about how fatherhood is giving back to him double fold. Keep on Dadding brothers.