At one point during the long and seemingly interminable hours that was our son’s Thanksgiving break from school, my wife and I had a minor disagreement.
She was encouraging me to wake him up from his midday nap which, at that point, was inching toward the two-hour mark. I wanted to let him sleep as long as possible.
We had a long and exciting morning which left him drained. And with more plans to attack the afternoon with a long bike ride followed by an hour or so at the playground, he would no doubt be exhausted by evening’s end.
Emily was worried that if we let him sleep much longer, his nighttime routine would be screwy. Given the action that we had in store for the afternoon, I disagreed.
In the end, we split the difference and let him sleep for fifteen more minutes.
When it comes to our son, who is three-and-a-half years old, these little disagreements happen all the time.
Should we wake him up? Did he eat enough? Is six hours too much screen time in one day?
But when it comes to our four-month-old, I offer no dissenting opinion.
Rather, I get the fuck out of the way and do whatever my wife says, tells, or asks.
New dads sometimes ask me for advice and when they do, my first and most resolute is almost always, “Let mom drive the newborn bus.”
We don't get to have opinions in the first few months of a baby's life. That's where moms are most expert. Because moms are endowed with some vast well of embedded knowledge that dads aren’t privy to.
Instinct, I guess.
Our jobs in those exhausting early days are to stand at the ready, never more than an arm’s length away from what your baby’s mama might need: clean bottles or breast pumps, diapers, wash cloths, burp cloths, cloth cloths, an endless supply of bottles of water (they don’t tell you how thirsty moms who breastfeed get).
We load and unload the car. We go pick up the takeout. We make the bed and wash the sheets. We take the baby for a walk so mom can get an extra twenty minutes of sleep, because when you have a new baby, those extra twenty minutes can make or break a day.
We do whatever we have to do in the first few weeks and months to ensure that mom doesn’t have to worry about anything other than your new baby.
We don’t offer up observations on how long the baby has been asleep or suggestions as to what temperature we think the room should be or whether or not she’s comfortable sleeping in that position. We stand down, we shut up, and we let mom lead the way.
Now, before you puff out your chest, dads, and tell me how wrong and stupid I am, take a breath and relax.
To be clear, I’m only talking about those first few weeks, maybe months.
It’s all good. Our time comes. And it comes fast. And soon you and your partner will be arguing over whether or not to stop for chicken nuggets because your son had drive-thru for breakfast… and lunch.
Because even though you just met your new kid, their mother has been in a relationship with that tiny human for a few months now, spending time getting to know each other consciously and subconsciously, understanding one another in a way you can’t just yet.
Maybe it’s not just instinct after all.