Vol. 71 - I Just Don't Have it Today
On picking up the slack
“I just don’t have it today.”
Emily and I have said this line to each other many times in our five-and-a-half years as parents.
It mainly stems from exhaustion and often it results in a short fuse, confusion, sadness, anger, or any combination of those (plus a few other, far more nebulous emotions). It’s those days when we don’t have the capacity to handle whatever our kids throw at us, a capacity which is essential to being a patient and successful parent.
And when that ripcord is pulled, the other parent understands exactly what needs to be done. That is, to pick up the slack; to do more than our fair share; to give the other person the space and grace to get their shit together in order to parent.
But here’s the hitch: just because one of us doesn’t have it on a particular day, it doesn’t mean we get to tap out as parents. Just because our exhaustion has rendered us unfunctioning, we still have jobs to do. Not having it doesn’t mean you can kick up on the couch and binge And Just Like That… while the other one plays 1-on-2 defense.
You can not have it. But you still have to do your job. Or at least part of it.
Whenever Emily or I don’t have it today, I think of something my old high school football and track coach loved to tell me.
“There’s not a single person on Earth who gives a fuck that you don’t feel like doing your job today,” he’d say.
In other words, shut up and keep working.
It’s a brutal but beautiful sentiment that, over the years, I’ve applied to my life often; not just in work, but in the art I make, in my relationships, and even during the long, unrelenting endurance bicycle rides I love so much.
It’s a concept that I’ve considered even more as a parent because there’s no person on Earth who gives less of a fuck how you feel than your kids (at least when they’re little, as ours are). It’s not out of malice as much as it is ignorance. Kids have no idea how difficult it can be to be a functioning adult in the world. Why should they?
Still, no parent can be expected to have it all day, every day. Because unlike a job, parenting goes beyond full-time. Parenting is all-time, all-consuming. And sometimes, you need to tap out just a little bit where possible (which is why I have ceaseless respect for single parents).
And so, whenever Emily tells me she doesn’t have it on a certain day, or whenever I need to tell her the same, the other of us buckles down for a long afternoon or evening as best we can, absorbing the body blows that little kids so expertly throw, while the other gets themselves back to a place where they have all of it.
Your coach's beautifully simple statement is a perspective shifter that probably came at just the opportune time. Most high schoolers are in the process of shedding the selfishness that comes with childhood survival. Our closest partners should at least give *partial* fucks when we're sitting on empty. But knowing that they really don't *have* to give a fuck is a big lesson in group dynamics. *Everyone* has work to do. It's easy to complain about yours, but when you know that *not* doing it is just going to frustrate everyone else, maybe you'll think twice.