Volume 1: AITA?

Because, according to our son, someone ITA.

Am I the asshole? Or is my wife the asshole?

Because according to our son, it's definitely her. Though, more likely, it’s me.

To wit: the other morning, in the throes of the madness that precedes going to preschool, our three-and-a-half-year-old son told his mom, "You're an asshole."

He was resolute and the phrase came out perfectly, timed and delivered like a seasoned pro.

My first reaction, of course, was to laugh (IATA). Though I tried to muffle it. Of course I tried to muffle it.

What kind of asshole do you think I am (IATA)?

---

It's my fault.

I call nearly everyone who drives like an idiot as "asshole" and, as we know, most people drive like idiots. Sorry, I meant to say, "as we know, most kids brains are like sponges."

So when he’s sitting behind me in the truck, his feet dangling over the edge of his carseat, drinking his little drink and eating his little snack, completely oblivious to the world beyond the show he’s watching on his dad’s or his mom’s phone, I need to be more cognizant of what I say.

Because regardless of who the asshole actually is (IATA), “asshole” is not something our kid should be saying until he’s at least six or seven. And regardless of how preoccupied I think he is, nearly everything his mom and I say or do makes its way into that fascinating and ever-growing little brain of his.

---

If you know me at all, you know my predilection for foul language.

Unfortunately, it’s something as imprinted on my DNA as my hazel eyes or my blonde-brown hair. And in truth, I enjoy cursing. I love the way words like “fuck” or “asshole” or “cocksucker” sound and feel and how they spice up a conversation, especially in the South.

I’m not proud of this. In fact, in the rare moments I hear myself speak, I’m often embarrassed and left feeling like a mindless asshole (IATA). Shock be it to some, but in the years since our son was born, I’ve actually tried to curb my language.

And though I’ve gotten better, I still drop more of those “fucks,” “assholes,” and “cocksuckers” in regular adult interactions than any quasi-well-adjusted person should.

So yeah, even though he’s sure that it’s his mom that’s the asshole, it’s actually me. I am the asshole.

And I need to stop cursing so much.