Vol. 129: Where Are All the Strong Men?

On raising kids in a world of weak, frightened men.

You may remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned I was taking a trip to northern Norway for work. Well, the result of that trip is live now over at National Geographic. I hope you’ll read it! Anyway, onto the essay.

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The world is full of weak men right now. Donald Trump. Elon Musk. Joe Rogan. Andrew Tate. So many of our civic, business, and entertainment leaders are frightened, weak men masquerading as tough guys. They are men who think strength is exhibited through bluster and bling. They are men who have a completely warped sense of what ‘manhood’ is.

(I also have a sneaking suspicion that these are men who, before they were in positions of power, couldn’t get laid if they crashed their flaming Teslas into a pussy factory, but that’s an argument for a different newsletter.)

Of course, we lead by example and there should be no bigger influence on our kids than the people in the home with them. And there are plenty of examples in my kids’ everyday lives of good, strong, virtuous men. My own father, who always provided a shining example of honesty, is a regular character in my kids’ lives. As is my dear friend Brian who, as a long-serving Green Beret, is the definition of masculinity and toughness but who is also a kind, caring, and emotionally open father to his girls. There are men like our friend (and BADIHAF featured dad) Decker, who is one of the most attentive and loving fathers I know. There are countless others.

But nonetheless, my kids see what's happening in the world. The older they get, the more they look beyond the bounds of mom and dad. Soon, I won't be the only father figure in my kids' lives. Just as so many coaches, teachers, mentors, and friends' parents were father figures in my young life, so too will certain men be to my kids.

But they'll also look to celebrities, leaders, and household names, because that's just who our culture venerates.

Still, I wonder who are the good, strong men that my kids might look up to outside the bounds of their every day. And what might those men stand for.

Years ago, when I was a kid, my friends and I were talking about some movie star whose name escapes me, about her looks and her body, having a lascivious discussion in the way only uninformed, horny preteen boys can do. Each of our little circle of friends commented on this starlet's beauty and what we would have done to her then (even though none of us had any idea what to do with a woman at that point in our lives). Then, in all seriousness, one of our friends, perhaps the most earnest of us all, said he heard she had a really great personality, too. Of course, we spent the next decade making fun of our friend for this comment. But, the older I get, the more I realize the wisdom of his comment. He was on to something. We were just too young, too horny, and too immature to recognize it. Unlike us, that friend was focused on the content of that celebrity’s character more so than the size of her tits.

It’s no surprise that today, that friend is an amazing dad.

Who are the good men out there for my kids to look up to? Are they men like Pedro Pascal, who has loudly, publicly, and passionately advocated for trans rights? Or are they men like Volodomir Zelesnkyy, who has spent the last three years leading his people in a fight for their very existence? Or Bill Burr, who has, of late, routinely taken other fathers to task for focusing on the hardest parts of fatherhood, rather than the joys that come with the job? Are they men like Jon Legend, who is constantly posting photos of him with his family doing the most benign and boring family shit, and always wearing a smile?

Of course, none of these men are one-dimensional. Like most people, they're not all good just as they're not all bad. For all I know, these guys could be pieces of shit and their takes on fatherhood could all be part of a publicity plan. But what's important, at least for my purposes as a father, is the persona they put forth publicly. What's important to me is how they model true strength and real manhood, not some bully's idea of what it means to be a man.

My only hope is that, as the weak men continue to become ever-more prevalent, we can continue to find the good guys, the happy guys, the truly strong men.